Rexburg, ID – Why I’m Going To Hell: Reason #1,635,439,200.5 – I think cat attacks are absofuckinlutely hilarious – even funnier than otter attacks. As a matter of fact, if I ever decide to bring a cat into my home, I’m going to be looking for a real pissed-off cunt of a cat. A cat that will go into attack-mode without reason. I want that little fucker to be all happiness and purrs one second and all vicious and bloodthirsty the next. I don’t want a cat that will hop up on my lap and get in the way of my computer monitor – I want the little asshole to sit in a corner, hissing and growling, just waiting for some unsuspecting human to pass by before angrily latching on to an ankle. And every time my awesome cat attacks, I will be there to capture the goodness on film. In between hysterical bouts of laughter, of course. I only wish the people in this story would have done the same. Jackie Ostermiller claims her feline companion, Renesmee, totally flipped her shit early Tuesday morning and attacked – not once, but twice! When it was over, Jackie was left with an assortment of bruises and nearly 35 cat bites and Renesmee ended up with a certain death sentence.
According to the Ostermiller family, Renesmee was completely normal until she birthed a litter of kittens. About three days after the litter was squished out, Renesmee began scheming – she was going to kill the humans. She put her plan into action early Tuesday morning. Jackie said she woke that morning and realized the cat was acting ‘panicky.’ Seems a male cat had wandered too close to a screen door and Renesmee went into defense mode, protecting her litter from possible harm. Jackie grabbed the cat to prevent her from bolting out a hole in the screen door – an action that immediately sent the cat into ‘fuck off and die’ mode. “All I heard was rrwwwrrrr hisss,” said Jackie.
“I was being mauled literally for the kill. She had got ahold of my nose first, my face first, my arms first, I was literally screaming, ‘Blaine get off get her off, she’s attacking me, get her off,” she said. Jackie’s knight in shining armor, husband Blaine, “jumped up in the middle of his sleep, took his c-pap machine just jerked it off, and threw it on the floor.” According to Jackie, Blaine then “literally pried the cat off her face.” All’s well that ends well, right? Ha! Not at the Dreamin’ Demon! As Jackie was washing the blood off her face, she noticed the cat was giving her one of those looks. Renesmee attacked Jackie again – settling for the human’s leg this time. “She came at me with the deadliest eyes,” said Jackie. Even Blaine said he noticed the cat was giving his wife with a “weird look” before the second attack. People, when your cat gives you one of those looks, just pack your shit and move the hell out because you’re in for a beatin’.
Jackie believes the attack could have been prevented had she spayed the critter. I know shit about cats, but I’m guessing an unspayed critter can be a real bitch? And though the family hasn’t entirely given up on domestic cats, they have turned Renesmee over to a shelter. It is likely that the cat will be put down after her kittens are weaned. That makes me sad. I’d take her in a heartbeat. I don’t even like cats, but she would certainly keep my kids and neighbors on their toes and provide me with hours of entertainment.
In closing, I leave you with a couple of my favorite pissed-off cat videos and a word of warning from Jackie Ostermiller: “I want people to know how dangerous cats can be, they can turn on you in a dime. Believe it or not, cats!” I’ve heard they steal your breath, too. Evil bastids!!